You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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