the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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