just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
