I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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