he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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