We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
did i just pee glitter
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
