everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
