they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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