sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
