We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
