Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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