Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
