i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
