Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
