She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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