you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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