Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
