we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
