we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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