I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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