I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
