the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
