I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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