Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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