I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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