I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize