she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
