Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
