it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize