I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
