she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
