I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
