This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
