Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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