i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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