So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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