Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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