I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
