I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
