Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
