It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize