this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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