I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
