just come out here and I will go home with you...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
