she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize