She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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