Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
