I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
