U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
