forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
