what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
