I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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