How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
