dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
