We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
