I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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