They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
