before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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