I accidentally had phone sex last night
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
