so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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