Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize