I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
