Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
