i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm having to shit out rocks
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
