I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
