if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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