Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
